I am talking about emotional bonding here, so keep that in mind. What happens is, as men get closer in a relationship and things are going well, the oxytocin levels go up in his body as they start bonding.
Then men will tend to want to pull away in order to rebuild their testosterone levels through their masculine missions. As their oxytocin levels go up, their testosterone levels go down and this can cause a lot of stress for men with a strong sense of mission in his life. By they way, on the topic of feminine, click here to find out how feminine you are deep down in your core in my quiz.
The problem here is that men and women are hardwired completely differently. Sure, we are all human. There are aspects that make all of us human. But there are also elements that make us completely different. Like the fact that most of us women see the world through our own feminine filters.
Because what is intuitive to a man in a relationship is not what is intuitive to a woman. Most women are naturally more feminine in their core, and most men are naturally masculine in their core. This creates what I call masculine or feminine biases in behaviour, especially in relationships.
See, as a feminine woman, your natural bias is to move towards some kind of bonding or attachment in a relationship. You want to fill up, and you find it hard to let go. I was speaking to my husband David the other week. Truth is, there are SO many of these little breakthroughs my husband David and I have all the time about each other. About the opposite sex, about love and relationships…. Because we are different creatures.
What is intuitive for him can be counterintuitive or even foreign to me. It can cause difficult emotions. Yet, your incessant suffering comes from the meaning you give it when a man withdraws. The meaning we give an event changes everything.
And a bad meaning can sometimes come from a lack of understanding of men. We as women can give a man pulling away a different meaning, which would lead to us having a totally different experience. By having a greater understanding of men and their masculine world, then we are able to create better meaning and have the ability to show up with greater self esteem and more intrinsic value. Remember, the reason why you were probably attracted to that man in the first place was his masculine energy, masculine presence and direction.
If you want to know how high value your man is, read this article on signs he is a high value man. To help you understand why him pulling away is not always a disaster, let me ask you a few questions:. How would you feel if you were around a man who was highly emotional? Imagine him being incredibly relaxed and wanting to talk and connect with you all the time.
Yes, you may — for a couple of days. And you may even be disgusted by him. What I am trying to suggest is that a man needs to pull away in order to be the man you are so attracted to. A man ghosting you means there was never any real connection and attraction between you both in the first place. It could mean that he was love bombing you. However, a man pulling away is different.
When men pull away from the relationship, there usually was some connection to begin with. Although you get scared or confused when he does suddenly pull away, you also get a chance to see that he is, in fact, a real man.
In fact, the reason you were attracted to a man in the first place was largely to do with the masculine energy he gave out. His presence, his strength, intelligence, his sense of humour, his potential to be a good provider, etc. This is all happening naturally, sometimes without you being aware of it. We want to be in a relationship with a masculine man, but when a man acts differently than we do, we get all hurt, confused and worried. Sometimes, a relationship and emotional bonding can feel like a burden to a man.
This means that the emotional bonding in a very committed relationship can feel like a burden to a man. Even if at the same time, it is really the only thing that gives a man that feeling of being alive a feeling he cannot get when he is alone, without you. And as he recognises how amazingly different you are to other women, he will be inspired to reciprocate, wanting to understand you and appreciate you.
I have put together some special resources for how to stay high value when he pulls away — just click here. Obviously, if you are dating multiple men and he is dating multiple women, he may not care at all if you take your resources elsewhere!
Well let me tell you, your loyalty to the right man is not weakness. That is character. This is not to say that you should act like everything was ok and pretend nothing happened while he pulled away. You should never pretend nothing happened; that would be a lie. That would just completely break down the communication and the trust between you both.
You would be stripping value from the relationship bank. Try to understand what time commitments he has already and be respectful of those.
Be positive about what he wants to achieve and make it clear that you love how he has clear goals and dreams and that you really want to see him succeed. So keep yourself busy with your friends, family, or hobbies and enjoy yourself as much as you can. Remember, you can still communicate with him, and telling him that you have a packed diary will confirm to him that you value your independence too.
If a man can see a future relationship where each individual maintains their own friends and interests, it will address some of his concerns. Even if you have still seen him, text him, or spoken to him in the meantime, there will come a time where he returns emotionally as well as physically.
He might not be sure why he felt the need to pull away, so trying to get him to put it into words will end in disaster. Try to show him how glad you are to have him back. Be affectionate and caring. I know you needed space and time to do your own thing and to process your thoughts and feelings.
I missed you. Just know that this is not an uncommon part of a relationship and be open and welcoming when your partner returns to you emotionally. If your relationship is in its infancy, you may not be prepared to hang around and keep the door open for too long. But if you are some distance into a relationship, you might choose to give him more time to wrestle with his feelings.
The short answer is: no, not all men feel the need to pull away emotionally or physically from a partner. When they do withdraw, it can be difficult to take, but hopefully this article has given you some actionable advice to follow and helped your understanding of the situation you face. In situations like these, it can really help to get some one-to-one advice from someone who is trained to deal with them, rather than soldiering through it alone.
So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero to help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat. This page contains affiliate links. He pulls away just when things are starting to get more serious because he knows that this is how he can get more control.
So, whenever you want to calmly talk or respectfully hint about the relationship progressing, he overreacts and recoils. When he does that, you react and then unjustly blame yourself. You are triggered by a painful history that is now repeating itself. Again, a lot of this can happen subconsciously and there is no use explaining it to a man or woman who is that triggered, lame, emotionally stunted, and incapable of introspection.
At the very least, you deserve someone who has enough respect for themselves and for you to explain why they need to take a step back.
Can this ever really been the case? So glad you liked the post. Reading this post was like reading my mind. But it has me scared. I finally found the man i want to marry, but because of a deadline he told me he was exhausted and needed alone time. I have no problem with that, i just have a hard time believing it and i am also disappointed in the way he announced that. I have stress too, but he never asks how i am. Radio silence now since the deadline three days ago.
So i feel like my life is sort of hanging by a thread. No children… no husband. Ugh maybe i need to talk to other men while my bf is ignoring me. As always you have a way of writing what most of us cannot put into words. I always feel so much calmer after I come to this blog. I left my job and him after he used me, ignored me, then got married. A YEAR ago. Perhaps because I still blame myself.
I wish the VERY first time he pulled back I would have just realized what an absolute scum bag he is, and saved myself the tears, years, and pain to come. For anyone experiencing this, then immediately googling to figure out why he or she is doing this — RUN! Literally just stop and turn around and head in the opposite direction of this person. It never gets better. Sending you love Natasha from the other coast.
Thank you so much for sharing???? Feeling the way you do, even after more than a year, is normal. You made it through and learned so much. Love you sister. You are never alone. Amazing post Natasha made so much sense! I can see my younger self doing all those things you mentioned : doubting myself, trying too hard, being an emotional wreck from second guessing when communications slowed or stopped etc. I too always feel empowered when I read your articles.
Love you xxxxxx. I really needed to read this today! I had been questioning myself and this post helped to re-center my thoughts. Thank you Natasha! There are also toxic examples of hidden problems, like addictions, criminal behavior or infidelity.
The point is that the behavior is likely due to some form of loss aversion — usually the loss of their unrealistic self-image. The health of our relationships correlates with the amount of mutual vulnerability. And without that openness the relationship cannot progress, as you point out.
My dear friend, I love you and every one of your comments. Your comments illuminate and expand on my posts. This one, in particular, was the perfect segue for the post I am writing next. Thank you for being here.
I know that I speak for everyone when I say how much you are appreciated and how much your perspective helps. Thank you for this post. I was reading this and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This lone especially! I feel like some fog cleared for me. It is so true. The act of someone just pulling away and abandoning the other person ignites pain and so many other emotions. I am pretty sure that the person who flees has no idea what a bomb they set off as they are exiting the scene.
It makes sense though because they lack the capacity as you said. I love you and appreciate all you give to support and make navigating all of this so much easier. I really dont know what to say about this article.. I have been looking for something that summarizes how i feel and how i see things.. It helps to know that its not just me out there.. Thank you for taking the time to comment and thank you for being a part of this tribe. All my love to you. This creates a energetic pattern that impacts a partner in a significant way.
The assumption made is one of awareness, and this making a conscious decision. How do you KNOW he is willfully and purposefully perpetrating? While the possibilities you describe are logical and sensible l, how are they the place to start? Is it not real and authentic with more potential for understanding and connection? You ask yourself why would they pull away from you? Unfortunately asking this question often leads to thoughts that there is something wrong with you.
After all, what other reason might exist for them pulling away? Fortunately, there are many other answers to this very common question. Perhaps the answer to the situation you face can be found below. It is possible the guy has a different expectation for the relationship.
Perhaps you have met a nice guy who seems to hit all the criteria you want in a husband and so wedding bells are ringing in your head from day one. The guy on the other hand might just be looking for a fun relationship and not be ready to settle down yet. This difference in expectations can then result in the guy pulling back, as the relationship is going where he did not want it to go further than wanted. Sometimes men pull away when things get serious because they already have what they want.
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